You’ve made the doctor’s appointments, you’ve finalised your new baby checklist and you’ve booked into the birthing class. You are ready to glow and grow your way through a textbook pregnancy.
Awesome. Except you may be missing a few key things. Not to worry. We’ve got a few more things to add to your list when preparing for pregnancy.
You can thank us later. Most likely in nine or so months.
Preparing for pregnancy
1. Start each day by feeling like you’ve downed a bottle of wine last night.
Skip the wine buzz and go straight to feeling hungover. ALL day. Expect to repeat for 12-25 weeks.
2. Ask someone to punch you in the boobs.
Really really hard. Make sure it’s hard enough so that they feel swollen, heavy and bruised. Again, repeat for 3-5 weeks.
3. Burst out in tears at random occasions throughout the day.
Like during a work meeting or when enjoying a meal out with friends.
4. Carry a metal spoon in your purse.
Lick it often. Why? To get used to that constant metallic taste that comes with early pregnancy.
5. Throw out pretty much everything in your pantry and fridge.
Yeah, sorry to tell you, but you live on crackers and water now. Everything else will most likely make you wanna puke. Or is bad for the baby.
6. Buy leggings.
You live in them now. Forever.
7. Douse yourself with olive oil daily.
This is now your pregnancy ‘glow’.
8. Scroll through 15 different websites in search of a baby name.
Discover just how many names you actually hate. And how many people you know that have tarnished a name for you.
9. Turn the thermostat up 55 degrees.
This is now an accurate representation of your core body temperature. On a good day.
10. Draw a fuzzy line down the middle of your stomach.
Add some cute little hairs to it too. Perhaps a silver stretch mark or 50.
11. Fast forward to the ripe ol’ age of 85.
This is how you’ll feel after waddling around with a watermelon pushing on your pelvis all day. Add another 10 years to your body if you’ve been diagnosed with pelvic girdle pain.
12. Consume an entire batch of cupcakes in one sitting.
Bonus points if the cupcakes happen to have pink or blue frosting on top or hidden in the middle.
13. Eat a super dodgy taco.
Prepare for the world’s worst indigestion. Repeat daily.
14. While you’re at it, eat a few tins of beans too.
Expect plenty of weird looks your way when you let it rip in public. Which you will do. Often.
15. Ask someone to hide all your important items every night.
Including your keys, phone and wallet. Attempt to find them every morning before leaving the house.
16. Sleep with a bowling ball on your stomach.
Do not remove. Ever. Make sure you also set an alarm to wake yourself up every hour. Sit on the toilet each time. Bring the bowling ball.
17. Choose shoes that are 4 sizes too small.
This should account for the swelling you’ll experience during pregnancy.
18. Lie on the floor on your back.
Remain there all day. Don’t get up until someone comes home to help you up.
19. Carry a bottle of water.
Spill the water all over your underwear any time you sneeze, laugh or attempt to waddle at a faster-than-average pace.
20. Practice the phrase, “Nope, no baby yet.”
You’ll be saying it a lot.
21. Finally, eat a bagel.
Pay close attention to how big the outer circumference is. That is how big your cervix is about to get.
Good luck with that!
Now that you’ve got preparing for pregnancy under control, have a look at what’s next – preparing for a new baby? Don’t worry – we’ve got a cheeky go-to guide for that too!