The Fine Art of Humiliation by Kids PLUS 10 of the Worst Clangers Ever

Humiliation by kids, it’s real. I once read somewhere children will embarrass their parents around 576 times before they finish school.

With my own four-year-old who loves to publicly talk about bodily functions on a daily basis (so kid-induced embarrassment and I are well acquainted) my first thought was ‘Is that all? 576?’

The loose lips, ever-inquiring minds and hilariously twisted (or scarily accurate) observational skills only kids can possess surely mean we’re looking at a number well into four figures? So I, for one, demand a re-count.

One trusty technique kids love to use is that fine art of repetition. Saying what Mum or Dad has said often leads to red faces all round, sometimes a hasty correction, a bit fat laugh, and often a big fat lie (Hate your new hair? Oh no I said it’s great your new hair!) You never know when a child will repeat a clanger, although you can always be sure it will be at the most awkward moment possible.

Shame? Yeah sometimes we feel the need to hang our head in it. Let’s talk about the pre-schooler who asked the Doctor, at a routine check-up, if she would need medicine like ‘Mummy has all the time. Called Merlot? Or did you hear about the pregnant Mum with (gestational) diabetes whose kid told everyone in the play café Mum had diarrhea?

Here at Mum Central, we recently put a shout out, asking for you guys to dish the dirt about your own offspring. We got a great response, including from Jaime M, who posted: ‘My six year old once told the teacher I use the C word all the time at home. Later found out she meant ‘crap!’

Ah that old favorite, the parroting of naughty words. Even when you think they were well out of ear shot, out comes a corker. As Melissa C posted: ‘My three year old son was riding his battery operated quad when it suddenly went flat. Without a pause, Master Three got off his quad, walked up to his father and – in utter disgrace – told him that it was ‘f*cked’. When we tried to correct him with alternatives, he wouldn’t budge. Again, he said ‘Nup, its f*cked’. In his defense it probably was but OMG the language from the mouths of babes!

Our little people will always catch us out, because little ears pick up everything. Need to bury something? Fat chance if a certain someone is listening. Samantha L posted: ‘I was telling someone I had a massive phone bill I was hiding. A certain someone over heard’. And later… ‘Hey Mum, you should tell Dad all about that really big phone bill you have!‘ Ouch. Theory confirmed, there’s no secrets where small people are concerned.

If you don’t care for someone or something and have dared ever say it out loud, you know your kids are taking note, right? My daughter once told a neighbor we didn’t like her very much at all. Cue a very fast exit. And very red cheeks.

And that’s it in a nutshell, my parenting friends. Yes, we are regularly, frequently, all-too often left scarlet-faced by our crazy, confident kids. But, hey chances are, we’re also left with some really bloody funny memories too. But #youhavebeenwarned loose lips sink ships and all that, watch what you say in the company of little people!

Just for more clangers, here’s 10 of the most embarrassing thing we could find online. A Mum Central round up of the 10 Most Awkward Things Kids Ever Said.

[mc_block_title custom_title=”1. You poop-farted in your one last year”]

One time while in the fitting room, I overheard a little boy say, quite loudly, “Mommy, are you buying this new swimsuit because you poop-farted in your one last year?” via Danoah.

[mc_block_title custom_title=”2. Sometimes daddy pulls on mommy’s nightgown”]

“My daughter was 2-years-old and told the cashier at the grocery store, ‘Sometimes daddy pulls on mommy’s nightgown and mommy says no.'” via PopSugar.

[mc_block_title custom_title=”3. Mom, did you know a cat’s butt is called an ANUS?”]

In church, right at the elevation of the Host, my then four year old yelled, “Mom, did you know a cat’s butt is called an ANUS?”

[mc_block_title custom_title=”4. Handcuffs like the ones in your bedroom!”]

“Look, Mommy, that police has handcuffs like the ones in your bedroom!”

[mc_block_title custom_title=”5. I want to be a prostitute”]

My daughter at the tender age of 8 announced to a crowded room that when she grows up she wants to be a prostitute. Turns out she meant prosecutor but, you know, it took a while. Via Upshout.

[mc_block_title custom_title=”6. This man is very fat”]

“Was riding on a public bus and my five-year-old put her hand on a guy’s shoulder in the seat front of us and said – ‘This man is very fat.’” Via Now to Love.

[mc_block_title custom_title=”7. It’s pussy time!”]

Took my kids to see Puss and Boots, and when lights dimmed and Puss appeared on the screen, my middle son screamed, ‘It’s pussy time!’ The whole theater was cracking up — I laughed so hard I cried. Via Bored Panda.

[mc_block_title custom_title=”8. Mummy, why do you have beard on your bottom?”]

Three-year-old daughter Madeleine said very loudly in public toilets: ”Mummy, why do you have a beard on your bottom”Via Bored Panda.

[mc_block_title custom_title=”9. Mommy you pooped!”]

My daughter announced loudly when I returned from the bathroom at a nice restaurant: “YAY MOMMY YOU POOPED! GOOD JOB!” Clapping and all. I had only peed, for the record. Via Authentic Parenting.

[mc_block_title custom_title=”10. Look, Daddy! Ninjas!”]

“When we passed a group of Muslim women wearing burqas my 4-year-old daughter screamed, ‘Look, Daddy! Ninjas!’” Via BuzzFeed.

Avatar of Sacha Burkett

Sacha has been a writer and journalist for over a decade. A happy mama of two, wife to one, Sacha is a lover of books, wine and sleep - all of which she would generally like more of!

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