The great toilet paper shortage is upon us, and finally, there is an important global issue on which I am qualified to speak. I don’t mean to brag, but as the World’s Worst Housekeeper, I’m quite experienced in this got-no-loo-paper area. (Just quietly, I’ve been approached to do a TED talk… How To Keep Calm and Carry On When You Don’t Have Any Dunny Rolls.)

I’m proud that I’ve brought the girls up to be resilient in the toilet. We’ve had many productive brainstorming sessions after “THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER AGAIN!” comes echoing down the hallway. Hello, growth mindset.

annoying husband, toilet roll

Anyhow, I’ve put together some emergency Crap Kits. Basically, a bunch of items my kiddos and I recommend using when you are down to the last tiny scrap on a roll thanks to the current coronavirus toilet paper shortage.

Included are all the usual suspects … paper towel, tissues, wipes, plus a few bonuses that have (mostly) been tried and tested by the manufacturer when they were in a serious bind.

Here’s what you get:

1. Some kind of wipes

Baby, antibacterial, stainless steel polishing, lemon-scented, etc Discontinue use if you get a rash. Which you will.

2. Rainbow Fairy books

If you’ve been forced to read more than two of these captivating “novels” to a child, they will be the preferred option. Coralline the Crap Fairy to the rescue!

3. Norwex cloths

These guys have some kind of antibacterial agent that is useful for cleaning unicorns. So crap won’t be a problem.

4. Forgotten serviettes

Remember the fancy ones you bought for Christmas or that party that didn’t eventuate? Now’s their time to shine.

5. Bills

Generally, I stick to the eToll reminders that I’ve forgotten, but any overdue bill will do in a pinch.

6. Spelling homework

Finally they realise their true calling.

7. Brown paper or baking paper

Because cooking only perpetuates this whole vicious cycle.

8. Shimmer and Shine undies

The type you buy for kids aged under five who can wipe their own butts, but, well, choose not to.

9. Sandwich bags and scourers

Take extra care with the latter.

10. Actual toilet paper that you didn’t need to elbow anyone at Aldi to purchase

Communications degrees, arts degrees or undergraduate psychology degrees are also useful. (I couldn’t find mine to dust off and demonstrate.)

Deep breaths everyone. We should all give more of a crap about so many things. But loo paper? I think this “crisis” is survivable.

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  • This story first appeared on The Motherlode. We have reprinted it with permission.
Author

Jillian Berry is the exhausted mother of four spirited daughters. Once a journo and editor, she now enjoys torturing her children with zucchini. When she’s not searching for her phone charger, she can be found trying to remember her password, which she only reset yesterday. She fantasizes about escaping to a remote island with her Kindle and a giant jar of Nutella. She’s also a (provisional) psychologist who’d love to make the world a better place, if only she could find the energy.

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