The great toilet paper shortage is upon us, and finally, there is an important global issue on which I am qualified to speak. I don’t mean to brag, but as the World’s Worst Housekeeper, I’m quite experienced in this got-no-loo-paper area. (Just quietly, I’ve been approached to do a TED talk… How To Keep Calm and Carry On When You Don’t Have Any Dunny Rolls.)
I’m proud that I’ve brought the girls up to be resilient in the toilet. We’ve had many productive brainstorming sessions after “THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER AGAIN!” comes echoing down the hallway. Hello, growth mindset.
Anyhow, I’ve put together some emergency Crap Kits. Basically, a bunch of items my kiddos and I recommend using when you are down to the last tiny scrap on a roll thanks to the current coronavirus toilet paper shortage.
Included are all the usual suspects … paper towel, tissues, wipes, plus a few bonuses that have (mostly) been tried and tested by the manufacturer when they were in a serious bind.
Here’s what you get:
1. Some kind of wipes
Baby, antibacterial, stainless steel polishing, lemon-scented, etc Discontinue use if you get a rash. Which you will.
2. Rainbow Fairy books
If you’ve been forced to read more than two of these captivating “novels” to a child, they will be the preferred option. Coralline the Crap Fairy to the rescue!
3. Norwex cloths
These guys have some kind of antibacterial agent that is useful for cleaning unicorns. So crap won’t be a problem.
4. Forgotten serviettes
Remember the fancy ones you bought for Christmas or that party that didn’t eventuate? Now’s their time to shine.
Generally, I stick to the eToll reminders that I’ve forgotten, but any overdue bill will do in a pinch.
6. Spelling homework
Finally they realise their true calling.
7. Brown paper or baking paper
Because cooking only perpetuates this whole vicious cycle.
8. Shimmer and Shine undies
The type you buy for kids aged under five who can wipe their own butts, but, well, choose not to.
9. Sandwich bags and scourers
Take extra care with the latter.
10. Actual toilet paper that you didn’t need to elbow anyone at Aldi to purchase
Communications degrees, arts degrees or undergraduate psychology degrees are also useful. (I couldn’t find mine to dust off and demonstrate.)
Deep breaths everyone. We should all give more of a crap about so many things. But loo paper? I think this “crisis” is survivable.
What to read next
- 10 Tips on How to Talk to Your Children about Coronavirus
- Mum Hack: Never Look at an Empty Toilet Paper Roll Again
- Stores Running Out Of Hand Sanitiser Thanks To Coronavirus
- This story first appeared on The Motherlode. We have reprinted it with permission.