Hey guys, how many times have you had sex this month? Not as many as you would like, I bet.
Well, there’s a reason for that and it’s probably on this list.
1. You don’t pay any attention to our mind’s needs.
Surely by now you know that the best foreplay is that which involves stimulating our mind first. Not sure what that involves? Talking. About stuff that interests us. Not sure what interests us? It’s going to be a long time between drinks for you buddy.
2. You don’t make any effort to get us in the mood.
3. You don’t clean up after yourself.
We get sick of doing all the cleaning. Especially cleaning up after you. Pick up after yourself and then maybe you’ll ‘pick up’.
4. We’re tired.
That’s a legitimate reason. Maybe if we didn’t have to do all your f*cking washing, we would have more energy.
5. We spend our whole life looking after your kids first, your home second and ourselves last. There’s not a lot left for you.
Yes, it’s in that order. If you want to change it, try helping out at home and there may be something left for you.
6. We’re bored.
Beware the bored woman. We end up online or scrapbooking or eating.
7. We don’t like the way our bodies feel/look.
Our body changed after childbirth and we haven’t reconciled that yet. Or we’ve hit forty and the boobs have hit the floor. Unlike you guys, the way we feel about ourselves affects our libido. Right or wrong, that’s a fact.
8. We really do have a headache.
Again, legitimate reason. The last thing you want when your head is pounding, is a pounding. Right?
9. We’re scared the kids are going to walk in.
Do I need to explain this?
10. We’re annoyed that you just don’t get it.
The fact that someone has to write a list about all the reasons we don’t want to have sex with you is a turn off.
11. You think your hard dick is our responsibility.
It’s not. You wake up with that thing. Sort it out.
12. You need to have sex to feel loved. We need to feel loved to have sex.
13. We’ve just had a baby.
And there are a hundred reasons that varies from woman to woman. From stitches to c-sections to extra, extra weight, to uncontrollable emotions, to pain, to haemorrhoids, to bleeding. We’ve just had a baby. Give us a break.
14. We’re breastfeeding.
And suddenly our boobs take on a whole new meaning for us. They’re feeding your baby and that’s not as easy and gorgeous as it looks. Our nipples are cracked and our breasts are sore. They probably leak and we feel very much like a cow. That’s not a f*ckable feeling.
15. We don’t want to get pregnant… again.
What’s the ONLY way we know that’s not going to happen?? You got it. Just say ‘no’.
16. Your mother is in the next room.
17. It’s too cold.
18. It’s too hot.
19. We have our period.
That means bleeding and cramps. In the legs, in the back, in the stomach. Very unsexy.
20. We’re just not interested in sex at the moment.
21. We just had sex yesterday.
You want to do it again?
22. We just had sex last week.
You want to do it again?
23. You take too long.
Hurry up. There are kids in the house and your mum’s in the next room and your washing needs to be done.
24. You don’t take long enough.
Is that it? FFS. Give us a minute to get there too.
25. We just got our hair done.
That’s expensive. Don’t mess it up.
26. We resent your freedom.
We’ve had your baby[s] and you remain unchanged. We’re dealing with changed bodies and changed lifestyles. Our emotions are inextricably linked to our children and for some of us that’s a massive adjustment to take on. Some of us are housebound. Some of us are depressed. All of us are tired. You go to work. Talk to grown-ups. Play golf. Ride your bike. Come home and want sex. Ummm… no thanks. Arsehole.
27. You’re not Christian Grey.
Disclaimer #1. This list is NOT about me and my husband [though I did contribute to it]. It’s a compilation from my friends and their husbands.