How to Be Pregnant in 2018: A Guide for Mums Who Have No Effing Clue What They’re Doing

Six years ago I gave birth. And since then I’ve been working pretty hard on NOT screwing up my daughter (and older son), so I haven’t been privy to the latest news in pregnancy.

Well, all that changed this year when I decided to procreate for the third time.

Although the basic mechanics of pregnancy remain the same this time around, not much else does. There’s heaps of rules, trends and products that I had no idea even existed.

Seriously mums, it’s a whole new ball game out there. If you’re heading back for another one, let me catch you up to speed on how the cool mums tackle pregnancy.

NOTE: I am not a cool mum. I am a lame, old mum. But I do wear overalls AND I downloaded a baby name app. So that makes me two tenths of the way there.

1. As suggested above, wear overalls

Sure, you look like you’re either painting the house or harvesting a crop. But hey, at least you’re hellacomfortable and don’t have a pants button digging into your bladder.

My son likes to inform me that I look like a five-year-old when I wear them. I take this as a compliment.

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2. Stop drinking alcohol completely…. No, wait, don’t.

Some studies tell you to stop drinking before you get pregnant. Others say one drink once a week is okay, as long as it’s in the second or third trimester. And some even suggest drinking in the first trimester is a-ok.

So, essentially, go through the next nine months confused about what you’re allowed to drink. And play it safe by not drinking anything expect water because STUDIES ARE SO EFFING CONTRADICTORY!

3. Stage an elaborate gender reveal

Remember those days when you would go to the 20 week ultrasound, ask the technician what you were having, then go home?

Well, that’s not how things work anymore. Now you will need a gender reveal party, with a cake, or balloons, or painted eggs. Gun smoke even.

Radford family expecting 21st baby
Image via Instagram

4. Survive on bread, yoghurt and water.

Because pretty much everything else delicious is off limits. Sushi. Soft cheese. Deli meats. Eggs benny. Soft serve ice cream. The list goes on and on.

5. Swipe left or right for your baby’s name

Just because you’re taken doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the excitement that is Tinder.

As I recently discovered, there are baby name apps that work like Tinder where you can swipe left or right to find your ideal baby name match. So now I spend my evenings scrolling through Kinder (yes, that’s the name of the app) choosing a baby name.

Sure, you don’t get random dick pics with Kinder. But some of the names are pretty out there.

mum central

6. Don’t hurt anything 

Why? Because painkillers are now no good either. Ibuprofen, such as Nurofen, has been off the market for pregnant women for a long time but now even paracetamol is a no-no. According to some studies (UGH, those effing studies again), paracetamol is linked to behaviour problems in kids. Great.

And don’t even think about going to a chemist if you happen to catch a cold or flu. Pretty much EVERY decent drug is off-limits. You know what’s great when you’re suffering from the world’s worst flu AND you’re pregnant? Steam.

Because that’s basically all you’re gonna get.

7. Consider eating your placenta 

I can’t recall this ever coming up in conversation with my other two. But now, casual queries about whether I plan to eat my placenta are actually quite common.

Have you made a birth plan? Do you have your nursery set up? Will you be eating that massive organ currently attached to your uterus?

Yah. That’s a no. On all three questions, thanks.

placenta encapsulation

8. Stage a BabyQ

Baby showers are still super hip but the uber-cool couples now do joint baby showers, known as BabyQ’s. They are pretty casual affairs – a BBQ in the backyard, some beers, perhaps a few silly games and gifts, but dads get to be involved too.

They involve less talk about cute onesies and more talk about cricket. Oh… and chicken wings.

9. Aim for an unconventional or free birth

Like one where your children watch you. Or one where you give birth unassisted at home, by a creek or in your bathroom while your husband snores in the next room.

free birth home birth in bathroom

10. Film a complicated pregnancy dance with your other half 

Preferably ones that span throughout your pregnancy so you can watch your belly move and grow and magically disappear.

I missed the boat on this one. But I think my daughter recently filmed me attempting to wriggle into a pair of skinny jeans (I ended up giving up though). So that’s sort of the same thing. 

YouTube video

These are only a few of the many pregnancy trends that have since come to light. You may also want to consider painting your belly with body paint or even having an artist paint a picture of your ultrasound to hang on the wall.

Or, like me, you may choose to steer clear of most of the trends. And instead read all about them from the comfort of your couch. While swiping through baby names. In overalls. #pregnancygoals right here.

Make sure you check our cheeky guide on pregnancy to see what’s in store for the next nine months.

Avatar of Jenna Galley

Born and raised in Canada, Jenna now lives in Far North Queensland with her tribe. When the mum-of-three is not writing, you can find her floating in the pool, watching princess movies, frolicking on the beach, bouncing her baby to sleep or nagging her older kids to put on their pants.

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