Having a baby is a big deal. It’s a game changer, really.
But is there any way to mentally prepare yourself for what’s to come?
Read all the baby books you like. But if you really want to prepare for a baby, here’s how to do it. No fancy products needed.
1. Set an alarm for every 45 minutes.
Place the alarm right by your ear. Turn the volume up.
2. Take a nappy and saturate it with Dijon mustard.
Repeat 10 times a day.
3. Make yourself a cup of coffee.
Forget about it. For seven hours. Find it in the microwave. Re-heat. Drink.
4. Gather your baby’s socks into a pile.
Hide one sock in each pair. Find them six years later.
5. Place your keys in the freezer.
Wander around the house for 25 minutes searching for them.
6. Put a load of dirty clothes in the washer.
Turn it on. Walk away. Return to the washer four days later. Repeat. For the next five years.
7. Pour milk down your shirt.
And on the bed. Also on the lounge. And the floor.
8. Stop pooping for five days.
Grin and bear it when the time comes to go.
9. Consume an entire package of bickies in one sitting.
Return to the pantry 10 minutes later and question where all the bickies went.
10. Sleep in 11 minute intervals.
Switch it up by falling asleep in different areas around the house. Like on the lounge. At the kitchen table. On the bathroom floor…
11. Feel yourself up several times a day.
Focus on which boob is fuller. Alternatively, walk around with a water balloon in one side of your bra. Preferably one that leaks.
12. Stare at the wall several hours a day.
Switch it up at night by staring at your husband sleeping. Resist the urge to strangle him.
13. Cut your nipples with razor blades.
Then twist them several times a day.
14. Argue with your partner about who’s more tired.
Win by default.
15. Find a video of a baby crying.
Put it on repeat every time you step in the shower. Or attempt to pee.
15. Get in the habit of ringing the doorbell two or three times a day.
And ignoring it.
16. Carry a watermelon around with you.
Bounce it in your arms 8 gazillion times a day.
17. Eat one handed.
Cradle your watermelon in the other arm. Drop bits of food on the top of it.
18. Take a scarf and attempt to wrap it snugly around your body. One handed.
Give up when you start to strangle yourself.
19. Google “Is my baby broken?”
Followed by “How much wine can I drink while breastfeeding?”
20. Cry several times a day.
No reason necessary.
21. Forget to feed your pets.
Misplace the pet food. Find it in the freezer. Next to your keys.
So there you go. How to prepare for a baby, in 21 easy steps. Once you’ve mastered these, bringing baby home will be a piece of cake! For more tips and tricks on bringing home baby, check out life with a newborn baby: expectation vs reality.