Teenagers have their ‘bae’ and their ‘fleek’. But we parents have our own secret slang too.
Odds are, you’ve come into contact with at least a few of these clever parenting phrases.
And, if you haven’t, then be sure to add them to your partially fried brain. Because you never know when they might come in handy…
A glossary for brand spankin’ new parents
For parents who are lost in the land of self settling, nappy changing and baby-food blitzing, here are a few words that new mums and dads are using.
1. Carcolepsy: When your baby falls asleep the second you arrive at your destination.
2. The Circle of Neglect: a Jumperoo.
3. Russian poo-lette: When you stick your finger inside a nappy to check whether it needs changing.
4. Mum bun: The most popular hair style for new mums. Also known as I Don’t Give A Fuck.
5. Hangry: When your baby is so hungry that she is willing to suck on anything that could possibly be a boob.
6. Niplash: When bub decides to look around while keeping your nipple in his mouth, leaving your nipple stretching like a bungee cord.
7. Mombie: What you turn into after two consequence days of very little sleep.
8. Clean eating: When you skip the bowl (and the mess) and feed your baby store-bought baby food directly from pouch to mouth.
9. Third boob: Bottle.
10. Road trip: When you hop in the car with your overtired baby in an attempt to get him to sleep.
11. The handover: The act of handing baby over to your husband the SECOND he walks in from work.
12. Nipflash: A fun game where baby decides to unattach from your boob, meaning you get to flash your nipple (and the milk oozing out of it) to anyone in the ten meter splash zone.
13. Nepootism: When you start to actually get used to the smell of your own baby’s poop.
14. Mum arms: When one bicep is bigger than the other, thanks to constantly carrying your infant on your favoured side.
15. Poonami: A massive poo-explosion that fills the nappy and beyond. Also known as Poomageddon or a Poo-cano.
16. Full night’s sleep: Four hours.
Phrases for seasoned parents
Once you leave the baby stage, you graduate to a whole new world of code words. Post-toddler phase mums and dads, here are the phrases you need in your life:
17. Beer-‘o-clock: Four hours after your kids wake you up, no matter what time that is.
18. Quiet time: When you tell the kids to go park their butts in front of the TV so you and your partner can have a quickie in the bedroom. Or a nap.
19. A free-spirited child: An out-of-control A-hole.
20. Sleep-in: When your kids let you sleep past 6am.
21. Carmageddon: Taking a road trip with tired, hungry children.
22. Shower ninja: A child who manages to strip down and get into your shower or bath before you.
23. Musical beds: A nightly game of swapping beds, couch and floor space with your kids. In almost every instance, the child will win.
24. Play: When your child dumps out all the toys and you secretly organise them while pretending to move figurines around or build stuff out of blocks.
25. Toilet biscuits: The biscuits you have to eat in the washroom so your kids can’t see you and call you out for hypocrisy. Also known as Pantry pastries.
26. Spinach: Any type of food that is delicious and you don’t want to share with your child.
27. Mummy juice: Wine. And no, you can’t have any Mummy Juice.
28. Digital babysitter: The iPad.
29. Granvy: When you think your kid prefers your parents to you.
30. Date night: When you ship the kids to the grandparents so you can go out for a night on the town. And then realise you’re a mum and a night on the town means a day of death so you stay home and drink wine instead. And probably fall asleep on the couch at 8.30pm…
Sure, we may not have our stamina, but, hey, at least we have some cool slang to slip into adult conversation every now and then. Looking for more things that change once we become parents. Have a look at the little (ok big) white lies we tell ourselves before we become mums.
