Motherhood is the sisterhood, right? Let us share some hilarious postpartum truths you might encounter as you leave the comfort of the hospital maternity suite. Because the more you know, the better.

Just as you may have been surprised by discovering several odd things in the delivery suite, the good times just keep on rollin’ into the first week or two post-partum and we want you to be prepared.

So what are some home truths about the first couple of postpartum weeks? Let us spill the tea. Cold tea, of course, it might be weeks before you enjoy a hot cup again!

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1. You don’t want to leave the hospital

What do you mean I have to leave with the baby? I’m quite happy to live here with a team of experts who know what to do. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel I need some sort of supervision. Don’t make me responsible for this tiny human. Alas, you leave…

2. It will take you 100 hours to get home from the hospital

There’s no slower drive in the car than the first drive with your precious cargo on board. Birds can fly faster and yes, that was a kid on a pushbike who just overtook you.

3. That the whole babies just sleep and eat “that’s it” is a straight out lie.

Whoever started this myth about babies needs to have a long hard look at themselves. Sure, the first 24 – 48 hours they lull you into a false sense of sleepy security. But then it stops. This generally coincides with the time new mums are sent home from the hospital. Rest assured, they’re not broken. They’re just being an ACTUAL baby.

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4. Your boobs have a life of their own

Ding dong, milk calling! Those ample assets which made you feel hot AF during pregnancy actually have you feeling literally HOT AF and on FIRE as your milk comes in. Don’t touch them. Don’t even look at them. Huge, hot and heavy melons.

5. Everything is leaking and damp

There’s a whole lot going on. Postpartum bleeding, leaking boobs, sweating profusely all day and all night. Just constantly clammy and damp.

6. Your nether-regions were hit hard

Girl, we feel you. The lady garden feels like a hot cyclone hit it. Just give it some time (and an ice pack, a salty bath and take some pain relief) and it will flourish back to its beautiful self once again. Remember, you just pushed a watermelon through the eye of a needle.

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7. “I’m not going to poo. Not ever”

Yep. Lotttttts of water and maybe a pear will help things along. The fear is much worse than the actual event and unfortunately, the fear also doesn’t help the backing up of … well, yep.

8. Breastfeeding can HURT (even with a gummy baby)

There are three stages of the let-down reflex – 1. OUCH 2. Sweet relief 3. Leaking from the other side. It’s a skill both mum and bub are learning, so give it some time and she’ll be sweet. You’ll soon get used to the constant milking…

9. Katie Perry was right, you’re hot and you’re cold

Ahhhh hormones. One minute you’re freezing, the next minute you’re sweating it out like you’ve been doing cardio all morning.

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10. Ravenous hunger ALL OF THE TIME

You ate an hour ago but could really go a second breakfast? If it’s not nailed down, you’ll eat it? Long story short, your body needs more fuel now than it EVER has, feeding and looking after a baby is a lot of work!

11. The tiredness. OH, THE TIREDNESS

The sleep deprivation. The brain fog. The complete blow of getting very little sleep. You’ll be equally amazed by how little amount of sleep you need to function one minute, followed by a crashing spiral of PLEASE, I NEED SOME SHUT EYE the next. Repeat for five years.

12. Newborn poo is… weird

I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this sticky, black, green meconium poo. And then BOOM, the mustard yellow milky poos. How can such a little booty make so much mess? Not to mention ALWAYS smelling poo. Am I that person now?

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13. Little booty vs big booty

If you still have a toddler in nappies, his butt looks huge in comparison, right? That’s the newborn effect for you.

14. The realisation that you’re not pregnant anymore

Nine long months of pregnancy and then NADA. Do you dare admit that you miss those little internal kicks?

15. My body HURTS

C-Section scar? Torn perineum? Haemorrhoid bum berries blossomed? GUYS, we have to let our postpartum body have a break to recover from pregnancy and birth. Don’t go signing up for the Park Run the Saturday just yet. BAD IDEA.

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16. Babies are time wasters

A lot of time is spent trying to get them to sleep so you can get some things done. And when the sleep finally comes, you sit and watch them sleep because YOU MADE THAT PERFECT CHILD.

17. Fan mail is plentiful

You will hear from everyone you know when you have a baby. Cards, visitors, gifts by the door – everyone loves a baby! Don’t be afraid to say no to visitors, they’ll understand and you’re TOTALLY not being rude.

18. Love, love, love!

You’ll feel like you’re on a loved-up cloud nine with the arrival of your little cherub and you’ll fall SO hard in love with that wriggling little baby burrito. Besotted. Obsessed. SO IN LOVE.

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19. The baby blues

Baby blues are a thing. You might have a day or two of crying at the slightest thing – it’s perfectly normal. The cat ignores you now? Cue tears. Did the husband ask his mum to help out to give you a break? Cue tears. Masterchef guy eliminated? Hysterical. This too shall pass.

20. The newborn bubble is awesome

The newborn bubble you heard of when pregnant sounded like an absolute bore. But the reality of it is PERFECT. Cocoon yourself at home with your little family and just enjoy the downtime in your sleep-deprived, loved-up haze. No one has to be anywhere, no one has to do anything. Just enjoy the snuggles.

21. Flash your nips at strangers

The one person you shouldn’t say no to visiting is your child health nurse or midwife. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself showing her your chewed up and cracked nipples, talking about your vagina or discussing blood clots over a cup of tea and a Scotch Finger biscuit. It’s the new you, welcome to motherhood!

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Oh motherhood, it’s a rollercoaster! How many of these post-natal home truths resonate with you?

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Author

South Australian mum and self proclaimed foodie, Lexi can most days be found in the kitchen, apron tied firm and armed with a whisk or wooden spoon!

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