Parenting, ain’t it glam? We all know the cliches – the day we become a mum is the day our personal hygiene and cleanliness standards drop. Like, a lot.
But have you ever really stepped back and considered all the normal-to-us parenting behaviours that would sent our child-free selves running for the hills in our pristine white blouses? Oh, how we have grown.
For all the joy that our kids bring to our lives, they also bring an undeniable level of gross-ness. From the first time we lift our precious baby’s nappy-clad bum to our face and inhale deeply to determine whether or not they’ve pooped, it’s official. Gross parenting lows are a part of life now.
So, how low can you go?
Give yourself a point for every gross parenting moment that you can (unfortunately!) relate to…
1. Desperately taking a swig from your toddler’s back-wash heavy water bottle
If thirst has overcome you to the point that even the Vegemite sandwich floaters in your kid’s drink bottle are preferable to staying thirsty, congratulations. You have reached a gross parenting low! But hey – you’re not thirsty any more, so it’s kind of a win.
2. Stuffing a poopy nappy in your handbag
Kids’ bowel habits have never exactly been described as “convenient”, so you’re not the first mum to get caught in public with a turd-filled nappy and no rubbish bin in sight. Just wrap it up real tight and cross your fingers that all stays contained… Especially because you’re probably not going to actually remember it’s in there for a couple more days!
3. Wiping someone else’s snot on our top
Because even though you have had the thought “I must keep some tissues in my bag!” more times than you can count, you probably still haven’t remembered to pack them. Snot will be snot, and once it’s out you need a quick and efficient solution. That solution is usually the Kmart top you threw on that morning while you were hunting down your kid’s shoes.
Unless you have a syringe full of saline handy, of course.
4. Catching spat-out food/coughs/sneezes/spew in our bare hands
You’re mum enough to admit that you know the warm feeling of almost all your child’s bodily fluids in the palm of your hand. We bet you don’t even blink when you catch it, either. This is the exact reason that hand sanitiser was invented, after all.
5. Wiping that splash of curry sauce off your feeding baby’s head and licking it off your finger
Dinner time breastfeeding sessions are inevitable, and you’re starving. You’ll be damned if even one drop of that expensive green curry from the local Thai shop is going to waste. Cradle cap or not.
6. Inviting your toddler to watch you poop
… because the indignity of a front row spectator trumps whatever havoc they’ll unleash on the house while they’re unattended. We all know this.
7. Double dipping in the Nutella jar
After all, it’s the quietest, most satisfying nap-time snack! This is more a sanity measure than anything, and once you’ve done it a couple of times, it doesn’t even seem gross any more. Just don’t offer us a Nutella sandwich when we come for a play date, okay?
For mums with a sense of humour and a bit of grit, these gross parenting lows are more likely badges of honour than cringe-worthy moments best left forgotten.
So wear that badge proudly, mama!
But please don’t post ANY of it on social media. Thanks.