The Mother of All Truths: 10 Surprising Things I’ve Learned Being a Boy Mum

When I found out I was having a boy I was excited.

Little boys are so cute and I thought it was adorable when they were naughty (ah so naive). It’s also freaking cute when they dress like little men and all that jazz. When I started to REALLY think about it however, I had a mild freak out.

What did I know about boys? NOTHING! That’s what! I didn’t know what they liked or what they didn’t. I certainly knew very little about penises. What I did know was incredibly irrelevant and mainly came from comedy movies! What was I going to do?!

Turns out whether I liked it or not, I was getting a boy, and I was going to learn everything just as he was. Here’s a few doozies that have been lessons I never thought I’d have to learn.

1. A penis can stretch THAT much!

Boys are born with the instinct of wanting to touch their willies, and well, stretch them like they’re silly putty. Yep the amount of times I’ve been worried that my son would stretch it clean off, I can’t count even count on one hand.

2. Boys love being naked

I’ve somewhat accepted that my son may become a nudist or a ‘naturalist’ later in life. He loves running around naked. I’m pretty sure that’s when he’s happiest. However, it’s not great when he pees on the floor.

3. They’re all pro wrestlers

He’s not even two and he’s already got me tapping out, only he doesn’t care that I’m tapping out, he just keeps body slamming me and running off laughing. Sure he has his moments of pure angelic behaviour where he kisses and hugs but I’d say he goes pro wrestler at least once a day.

4. Playing quietly is NOT a thing

Maybe it’s just my little troublemaker, but playing quietly quickly turns into roaring, throwing things, climbing furniture and most definitely NOT being seen and not heard.

5. A visit to the Emergency Department will occur

Whether it’s a spider bite because they just had to see if the spider was alive, or they were ‘testing out’ their flying skills, you will lose about 15 years off your life because your son has to be rushed to the ED. Stitches, casts or crutches will be needed at least once by the age of 10. If not, count yourself lucky.

6. They love boobs from birth

Whether they breastfeed or not, they all have their own reasons and curiosities about boobs. I had the lovely experience of my son pulling down my top while a poor embarrassed waiter took our order and my son yelled “BOOBIES!” at the top of his lungs.

7. The smelly socks start early

There’s no real way of explaining how shocked I was that my tiny little human could produce such smells. How did his feet get so stinky?! I still don’t 100% understand, all I can put it down to is that it’s a boy thing.

8. Clothes shopping is EXTREMELY limited

Dinosaur shirt, monkey shirt, monster shirt, that’s about all you get. Then you have a wide variety of pant or short options. Well possibly 2 colours in trousers or shorts, a pair of jeans and… that’s about it. The whole boys’ clothes department could fit into the hosiery section while girls, well, you get about 3 times that, oh and let’s not talk about the shoe options.

9. The love of cars is real

I’ve never owned a toy car, shocker, I know! However, my son gravitated to cars pretty quickly. I’d say one of his first words was ‘car’. He loved pointing them out and his collection of toy cars is expansive. I never pushed it on him, I think it may be an instinctual thing like the way girls apparently like glitter.

10. The boners

Nobody ever, EVER told me babies could get erections! I was in in shock and utterly confused when I discovered my son’s first baby boner. They’re real and they’re well, they’re certainly there! Luckily the discussion of why that happens doesn’t have to be had until they’re much older and we find a non-awkward way of explaining it to our teen sons.

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