Remember when the kids were little and you avoided white, like the plague!? Because if you did, there was ALWAYS some kind of invisible force with sticky fingers, paint, Vegemite, nappy blowouts and your white fabric?

I’m an adult, I can have nice things. Turns out owning a white couch is one of the most anxiety-inducing things I’ve done. Aye Carumba. EVERYONE KEEP OFF.

The kids have grown up, sticky fingers are gone. Now’s the time!

This year I bit the bullet and I bought a couch. A WHITE couch. Well, cream, but close enough. Now I know it’s a high maintenance colour but with two out of three of my kids moved out of home, what could go wrong?

You’ll get plenty of advice from well-meaning people. Trust me. “DON’T DO IT!” was the common response among friends and know-it-all strangers in the store as I was spotted clutching my white fabric sample. “You’ll only live to regret it”. Pffffft what do they know?

I nod and smile at the naysayers however think “Oh please, I’m an adult. I KNOW what I’m doing.”

via GIPHY

New couch, new rules

With white couch delivery imminent, I warn/threaten my family with new couch rules. 1) No one is to sit on it in dirty clothes. 2) The dog is most definitely not allowed to be on it and 3) no drinks, no food and definitely no shoes. Nada. No fun. Just sit.

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Same colour or not, this dog is absolutely and most definitely not allowed on the couch. He’s not impressed, obvs.

Living the white couch dream, temporarily

Quickly shutting the door upon the delivery guys, I sat on the couch to soak in that fresh clean couch feel. Feeling so smug, I sent a couple of pics to my family of my legs resting on the chaise saying “I’m living the dream, JUST LOOK AT IT”. Ahhhhh sweet.

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New white couch, yasssss mate! Source: Supplied

And then it wasn’t so sweet. I got up, turned to bid my couch farewell as school pick-up time was looming and I saw it. What the *censored* heck was that. A giant black mark on my couch? WHAT? I could FEEL the heat rising as the panic took over and blood rushed from my face. How? Where? What?

And then the realisation hit me. Or rather, I hit it with a panicked hand swat.

A pen in my back pocket. And not just a crusty, barely working ballpoint pen. Nope, we’re talking the top shelf of pens, beautiful thick gel ink had bled out into my couch fibres. The couch I’ve had FOR TWENTY MINUTES!

This is why I can’t have nice things.

Spraying the ink with hairspray ON MY BRAND NEW COUCH and then blotting it out did remove most of it, leaving a faint mark that thankfully, for now, can be covered with cushions (let’s be honest, never to be removed).

Cushions hide the evidence of the crime, right?

Don’t be scared, STILL buy the couch!

So I’m here to tell you if you have your heart set on buying a white couch, here’s what you need to know and consider:

  • You’re going to LOVE it. But you’re also going to worry about it. A lot.
  • Don’t remove the protective plastic. Just keep it on. Like, forever.
  • Use throw rugs to protect the fabric from children and husbands or yourself. Even better, use plastic tablecloths so they repel ALL things away from the couch.
  • You’re going to have to train your dog to stay off the couch.
  • Look at having it Scotchgarded or similar fabric protection applied.
  • Consider wrapping it in Gladwrap to preserve it around small people.
  • Rehome your family and pets or instruct them to just walk on by, the couch is not for sitting on.
  • Don’t wear a new pair of dark unwashed jeans on the couch. The dye could rub!
  • Also, don’t let anyone marinating in fake tan or gradual tanner sit on your couch unless you also want it to look sunkissed. Sigh.
  • Be realistic that it IS going to get dirty and have it professionally cleaned once a year.
  • Finally, have a cheat sheet of quick clean up methods and products for different spills – LIKE INK – somewhere handy. There’s nothing worse than having to Google the answers and then not have the gear to tackle the mess.

Vegemite, sticky fingers, pens, they’re all the same. Nothing quite reminds you’re alive and living on the edge quite like owning a white couch. And you know what, I’d probably do it again – possibly with a slipcover to protect it from life. Or just my pen-wielding self!

What do you say? Do you also have an anxiety-inducing white couch or would you be brave enough to have one in your home?

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Author

South Australian mum and self proclaimed foodie, Lexi can most days be found in the kitchen, apron tied firm and armed with a whisk or wooden spoon!

1 Comment

  1. Perspiration and natural oils your skin contains also leaves stains / marks.
    I bought a brown leather sofa then discovered it has a manufacturer card at the back with various details.
    The disturbing one is that some medications you take can affect it, I don’t know if Iboprufen (in Nurofen, Advil and other products that previously contained codeine) does. I know for certain that Iboprufen leeches out of your skin for 10 hours even if you only take one.

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