I LOVE Christmas. I love pretty much everything about it – the carols, the movies, the food, the time spent with family, the drinks!
Oh, except these seven things. These seven things about Christmas I don’t love at all… not even a little bit. In fact, these seven thing about Christmas actually suck balls – big, salty, chocolate, Christmas balls.
I’m calling it. Christmas would be a whole helluva lot better without them. Why? Because Christmas is already stressful enough without adding more cleaning, more last minute shopping and more pressure on us parents.
So what can be cancelled from Christmas this year? Here’s a few things to get us started…
1. DIY Advent calendars
This year I decided to skip the cheap chocolate advent calendars and get one that you fill yourself every morning. I was going to fill it with cute little treats and goodies, like Christmas stickers and erasers and balloons. I think I must have assumed I was actually organised when I bought the DIY Advent calendars.
Which I am not.
Anyhow, it’s 23 December. So far I have managed to actually remember to put a treat into the right box for the kids three times. Yes. Three times in 23 days. The other 20 times? I just tell them The Elf on the Shelf ate it.
2. Elf on the Shelf
Which brings me to my next most-hated holiday tradition – that stupid Elf and his stupid need to move every night. Some mums are awesome at it. Case in point – these amazing parents and their Elf staging successes. I am not one of those mums.
My stupid elf pretty much rotates from the kitchen counter to Barbie’s playhouse. One time I left him on the floor and the dog took the Elf outside to hump his leg. I guess that counts. Luckily ol’ Elfy is retiring this year.
3. Tree fluffing
What the fluff is this? It’s the fine art of sprucing up your Christmas tree BEFORE decorating it to make the branches look thick and pretty. It’s annoying and time consuming. Oh, and impossible if the kids are standing behind you waiting to put decorations on.
Stuff the fluff.
So the influx of insects isn’t just a Christmas problem – it’s an all summer long problem. But it becomes a Christmas problem when I’m trying to host an epic Christmas BBQ and the freakin’ flies are sitting all over the food. How the hell am I supposed to look like the Queen of all Things Christmas when there’s insect turds in my pavlova?
For the love of all things holy, leave the tinsel off my tree and out of my life! Seriously, if I have to pick up another piece of tinsel that has somehow migrated from the tree to the carpet, I will probably cancel Christmas.
6. Partners who change their minds about what they want for Christmas THREE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS
No, fella, I don’t care if you just went out and bought a brand new shaver for yourself (a week before Christmas. Seriously, who does this?). You’re still getting a shaver, dammit.
7. Boxing Day sales
Who in their right minds wants to spend Boxing Day shopping? I’ve literally been to Kmart 19 times this month. I think I’m done. Where the hell were these Boxing Day Sales two weeks ago when I was buying out the entire store for my kids.
And don’t get me started on Boxing Day cricket…
Merry Christmas to all the mums out there who hate these things as much as I do. And let’s hope they don’t make an appearance again next year!
For more Christmas fun, check out these hilarious letters to Santa, from kids who aren’t afraid to tell it how it is.