Labour. It’s beautiful, amazing and totally batshit crazy.

No matter if it is your first child or your fifth, the experience of bringing a new life into being will rock your world.

Take it from me. I’ve just welcomed my second baby into the world. From one mama to another, here’s my no-bull guide to what the hell I was thinking.

  1. Was that a contraction?

  2. OMG I think it was a contraction
  3. I am sooo ready to have this baby
  4. Seriously, this is how beached whales must feel
  5. WOAH. Ok that was definitely… something.
  6. Siri, “what do contractions feel like”
  7. Should I be timing these?
  8. *looks at watch* Six minutes
  9. HOLY WOW IT IS HAPPENING!
  10. I don’t know if I’m ready to be a mum

  11. I need to call my partner.
  12. I need to call the hospital
  13. When did I last shower?
  14. I should take a shower… WOAH!
  15. Shower might have to wait
  16. Crap, have I packed everything?
  17. Pillow, phone charger… where’s that birth pla… WOAH
  18. Ok, new plan  – have a healthy baby
  19. MY PARTNER IS HERE AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO SEE THEM EVER
  20. Oh god, he’s trying to be calm but I KNOW he’s freaking out
  21. We’re doing this. We’re getting in the car
  22. The next time we are home there will be a new member of the family
  23. Did we remember everything?
  24. F&*K that was a big one!
  25. Why do we live so far from the hospital?
  26. LONGEST 20 MINUTES EVER
  27. Each speed hump is AGON… WOAH
  28. HOW MUCH LONGER?
  29. I don’t remember ever seeing my partner this tense
  30. Ughhhhhh

  31. I should have taken more notes at Calm Birth
  32. Ok, breathing. Breathing.
  33. THANK GOD A NURSE
  34. What do you mean monitoring? Can’t you see I’m about to have a baby?!?!
  35. They seem weirdly calm.
  36. Oh, two centimetres. Great.
  37. It’s going to be a loooong day.
  38. Breathing. Take each one as it comes.
  39. Down baby. Out baby. Down baby out baby.
  40. My obstetrician is here! HAVING A BABY!

  41. He’s really feeling around up there.
  42. Three centimetres! Yes! Progress!
  43. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’LL COME BACK LATER?!? I AM PAYING YOU TO HOLD MY HAND DAMMIT.
  44. I guess we’ll see him later then…
  45. I feel better on my feet
  46. Much better
  47. Stamp out that adrenaline. Breathe.
  48. It’s like the gym when the instructor is yelling at you “just one more”.
  49. Is my partner terrified or happy?
  50. Breathe. Focus. Breathe.

  51. GAS IS EVERYTHING
  52. Is that really the time? Jesus, the whole day has gone
  53. Uggggghhhhhhh
  54. Oh that back rub is heaven
  55. Down and out baby. C’mon
  56. Seven centimetres? Almost there.
  57. uuugggggghhhhhHHHHHHHHHUUUUGGGHhhh
  58. WTF was that? Was that me?
  59. uuuugggghhhhhHHHHHHHHHUUUUUggHHHGGHGGGGhhh
  60. I SOUND LIKE A COW
  61. GAS – where have you been all my life?
  62. I AM NOT DOING WELL SO SHUT THE F&*K UP
  63. UUUUUUGGGGGHHHH
  64. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean tha..
  65. UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH
  66. This SUCKS
  67. I can’t do this anymore.
  68. It’s too much…
  69. OH MY GOD THAT HEAT PACK IS HEAVEN
  70. UUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
  71. GAS… uggggghhhhgghhhhhhggh
  72. Give me the drugs

  73. GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL
  74. F*&K OFF WITH YOUR TOO LATE
  75. Did the midwife just say TEN? TEN CENTIMETRES?
  76. I think I want to push
  77. MY OBSTETRICIAN IS HERE!
  78. HE KNOWS NOTHING OF MY PAINUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
  79. I really wanna push
  80. Oh my god it’s time to push
  81. ARRRGGGHH
  82. Where did all these people come from and what are those stirrup things?
  83. Of course I have to get into a medieval torture device position while in labour… great.
  84. So many people in the room staring at my vagina right now
  85. ARGGHHHHHHHHHHH
  86. I think I did a poo
  87. How did Katie Holmes do this silently?
  88. ARGHHHHHHHHHTOMCRUISEYOUHORRIBLEMAN
  89. ARGHHHHHHHHHH
  90. ARGHHHHHHHHHH
  91. The head? The head! They can see your head
  92. Ok, they are telling me one more. One more, I can do this
  93. Huh huh huh uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
  94. SO MUCH STINGING
  95. Is that you crying or me?
  96. I think it’s both of us.
  97. You are red and wrinkled and on my chest
  98. You have my nose and so much hair
  99. Oh my god, you are beautiful!

  100. I love you more than everything
  101. Everything – everything – was worth it to meet you.

About to have a baby of your own? Then don’t miss our guide about what to pack in your hospital bag.

Author

Kate Lynford is a Melbourne mum of a newborn and a demanding toddler. Her hobbies include sleeping, occasionally showering and going to the supermarket on her own.

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