Labour. It’s beautiful, amazing and totally batshit crazy.
No matter if it is your first child or your fifth, the experience of bringing a new life into being will rock your world.
Take it from me. I’ve just welcomed my second baby into the world. From one mama to another, here’s my no-bull guide to what the hell I was thinking.
Was that a contraction?
- OMG I think it was a contraction
- I am sooo ready to have this baby
- Seriously, this is how beached whales must feel
- WOAH. Ok that was definitely… something.
- Siri, “what do contractions feel like”
- Should I be timing these?
- *looks at watch* Six minutes
- HOLY WOW IT IS HAPPENING!
I don’t know if I’m ready to be a mum
- I need to call my partner.
- I need to call the hospital
- When did I last shower?
- I should take a shower… WOAH!
- Shower might have to wait
- Crap, have I packed everything?
- Pillow, phone charger… where’s that birth pla… WOAH
- Ok, new plan – have a healthy baby
- MY PARTNER IS HERE AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO SEE THEM EVER
- Oh god, he’s trying to be calm but I KNOW he’s freaking out
- We’re doing this. We’re getting in the car
- The next time we are home there will be a new member of the family
- Did we remember everything?
- F&*K that was a big one!
- Why do we live so far from the hospital?
- LONGEST 20 MINUTES EVER
- Each speed hump is AGON… WOAH
- HOW MUCH LONGER?
- I don’t remember ever seeing my partner this tense
- I should have taken more notes at Calm Birth
- Ok, breathing. Breathing.
- THANK GOD A NURSE
- What do you mean monitoring? Can’t you see I’m about to have a baby?!?!
- They seem weirdly calm.
- Oh, two centimetres. Great.
- It’s going to be a loooong day.
- Breathing. Take each one as it comes.
- Down baby. Out baby. Down baby out baby.
My obstetrician is here! HAVING A BABY!
- He’s really feeling around up there.
- Three centimetres! Yes! Progress!
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’LL COME BACK LATER?!? I AM PAYING YOU TO HOLD MY HAND DAMMIT.
- I guess we’ll see him later then…
- I feel better on my feet
- Much better
- Stamp out that adrenaline. Breathe.
- It’s like the gym when the instructor is yelling at you “just one more”.
- Is my partner terrified or happy?
Breathe. Focus. Breathe.
- GAS IS EVERYTHING
- Is that really the time? Jesus, the whole day has gone
- Oh that back rub is heaven
- Down and out baby. C’mon
- Seven centimetres? Almost there.
- WTF was that? Was that me?
- I SOUND LIKE A COW
- GAS – where have you been all my life?
- I AM NOT DOING WELL SO SHUT THE F&*K UP
- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean tha..
- This SUCKS
- I can’t do this anymore.
- It’s too much…
- OH MY GOD THAT HEAT PACK IS HEAVEN
- GAS… uggggghhhhgghhhhhhggh
Give me the drugs
- GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL
- F*&K OFF WITH YOUR TOO LATE
- Did the midwife just say TEN? TEN CENTIMETRES?
- I think I want to push
- MY OBSTETRICIAN IS HERE!
- HE KNOWS NOTHING OF MY PAINUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
- I really wanna push
- Oh my god it’s time to push
- Where did all these people come from and what are those stirrup things?
- Of course I have to get into a medieval torture device position while in labour… great.
- So many people in the room staring at my vagina right now
- I think I did a poo
- How did Katie Holmes do this silently?
- The head? The head! They can see your head
- Ok, they are telling me one more. One more, I can do this
- Huh huh huh uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
- SO MUCH STINGING
- Is that you crying or me?
- I think it’s both of us.
- You are red and wrinkled and on my chest
- You have my nose and so much hair
Oh my god, you are beautiful!
- I love you more than everything
- Everything – everything – was worth it to meet you.
About to have a baby of your own? Then don’t miss our guide about what to pack in your hospital bag.