Midwives see and hear a lot! Grunting, groaning, swearing, sweating, crying and crowning. They are also one of the first to hear the name Mum and Dad bestow on their beautiful baby.
Most of the time, the name is relatively normal. Perhaps something trendy or traditional, perhaps a nod to granddad or to a flower they like. Sometimes, however, the name is just ridiculous.
Case in point? These non-names, all from the mouths of midwives and courtesy of a now-deleted Reddit thread. We’ve rounded up some of the worst contenders but we’d love to know which bizarre baby names you’ve heard that made you cringe the hardest.
Midwives tell all
Death
Goth parents had a baby. They wanted to name this sweet baby girl Death. I could not stand for it. So I told them every time I went to type it into the birth certificate it changed the form to a death certificate. They bought it and that girl is now named Morticia.”
Killer, Syphilis and Sweet Prayer Sunrise
I worked at a registrar for a while, and some of the standout names on the birth certificates I got were ‘Killer’, ‘Syphilis’ and ‘Sweet Prayer Sunrise’.”
Khaleesi
As a Family Medicine Resident, I personally delivered two different girls named Khaleesi. This was around 2016, well before season 8. I imagine there might be some buyer’s remorse.”
Red and Blue
I lived with a student midwife and the first set of twins she delivered were named ‘Red’ and ‘Blue.’”
Chardonnay
Both the name of very expensive wine and the name of a character in a UK soap opera called Footballers Wives, which was about as classy as it sounds.”
Meconium
There’s a kid running around named Birth S**t and I just don’t know how to handle being responsible for that.”
Colon
My classmate’s mother was a maternity nurse, and she once had a couple who wanted to name their son ‘Collin,’ but wanted to give him a unique spelling. So they chose to spell it C-O-L-O-N.”
Vagina
My grandmother once put Virginia on a birth certificate when the parents had requested Vagina but didn’t know how to spell it.”
Monster Galileo
The nurse tried to talk them out it, but they insisted. The kid goes by ‘Galileo.’” Honestly, I kind of like the sound of it for an adult or a performer’s name, but being a kid named ‘Monster’ has to be rough in school.”
Mudpiles
As a med student, I had a patient who wanted to name her child ‘Mudpiles’. The nurses silently protested and waited a few days. Mum eventually changed her mind.”
Vzyiion
The mum was deep in substance abuse and she told us she wanted him named Zion. We asked her to fill out the paperwork of everything for us to submit and put in the chart and she wrote down Vzyiion…..she looked at us dead in the eyes and said, the V is silent…..”
More bizarre name choices
It wasn’t just midwives and hospital staff who shared the facepalm names. Oh no! Plenty of others piped up too with these interesting monikers.
Linoleum
I once had a student named ‘Linoleum’. Some midwife definitely dropped the ball on that one.”
Fallopia
My coworker went to school with a girl named ‘Fallopia’. I feel sorry for her when she’s in biology class and they talk about Fallopian tubes.”
Eggbert
My boyfriend was nearly called ‘Eggbert’, but ‘Egg’ for short. So glad they decided against it!”
Cinderall
I was almost named Cinderall. I have no idea what my dad was smoking at the time.”
Mileage
I was once paid to design birthday cards for a kid named ‘Mileage’, pronounced My-Leige, like how you’d refer to a king.”
Ichabod Rusty
My mother wanted to name my baby brother ‘Ichabod Rusty’. Our surname is ‘Ford,’ and she was determined to call him ‘Icky Rusty Ford’.”
MegaNathan
I had a classmate in University whose name was Meganathan….To date I don’t know why Nathan failed to suffice.”
Latrine
I had a coworker named Trina, and when she was pregnant, she told me that she and her husband decided to name their baby ‘Latrine’.
I had to explain to her that she was naming her poor baby after the hole in the ground that soldiers s**t into!”
Raider God
My uncle wanted to name his daughter Raider God.”
Acock Ring
I know a teacher who has a student with an African name that unfortunately does not translate well into English. The kid’s name is Acock Ring, and yes I wish I was kidding.”
Corn Peas
My brother wanted to name our soon-to-be younger brother ‘Corn Peas’ and our parents almost went with it because they felt bad for asking for his input and then rejecting it. Fortunately, they got over that.”
Jkmno
We’re assuming this is pronounced “Jay-Kay-Em-En-O”??
I had to talk a friend out of naming their daughter Jkmno.”
Truck
My husband wanted to name our son Truck. Almost ended in divorce. Needless to say, none of our boys are named Truck and we are still married.”
Nawja & Cinnamon
I used to work with youth who needed mental health support and I worked with 2 girls who had the following first names: Nawja (pronounced like nausea), and Cinnamon.”
Draven and Andromeda
Full names: Draven Tyrion Dexter Zaraphil Johnson and Andromeda Nymphadora Jane Zaraphil Johnson.
My daughter named my grandchildren…Draven Tyrion Dexter Zaraphil Johnson, and Andromeda Nymphadora Jane Zaraphil Johnson….I’m not happy , but at least we convinced her to leave Lucifer out.”
What to read next
We have plenty more bad baby names to share including Abcde, Yugo, Danger and Pinches.
