Cue the eye rolls new mamas!
Because once you bring baby home, you’re in for a heck of a lot of extra-annoying questions that are sure to make your eyes roll to the very back of your head.
Visitors, family members, midwives, strangers in the supermarket – they all mean well when dishing out new parent advice. But sometimes they say the stupidest sh*t. And it especially comes off as annoying when we’re sleep-deprived and trying our very best NOT to fall asleep mid-conversation.
Here are a few gems we’ve probably all heard during the first year with our babies. And the replies we really SHOULD be giving.
“Is he a good baby? Does he sleep well?”
Okay, I’m just gonna put this one out there – sleeping well DOES NOT equate to a good baby. All this question does is make us feel like we’re bad mums if our bad babies don’t sleep. So, let’s remove ‘good’ from the first question and well, just don’t ask the second part of the question. Pretty please!
“Are you sleeping when baby sleeps?”
Yes, baby sleeps for eight minutes at a time before she realises she’s not in my arms. So I sleep in eight-minute increments now. It’s nice.
“He doesn’t look a thing like you.”
Yes, that’s because I didn’t like the one I grew inside me for nine months and then pushed out. So I swapped him at the hospital on my way out.
“We’re going out partying all weekend. What about you – doing anything fun?”
If by fun, you mean cleaning up baby spew and passing out at 7 pm, then yes. We are having ALL the fun! Although if I’m honest, the thought of cuddling up at home with bubs on my chest is waaay more appealing these days than kicking my heels up. Maybe that’s just me?
“When are you going back to work?”
Hmm.. well, I haven’t had a shower this week. So I might focus on that task first. Maybe ask me again in three months, when the realities of having a newborn have really kicked in.
“What is he eating?”
Well, he’s a newborn. So I’m going to give you a hint and say it’s not chicken curry. What are you eating these days?
“Something’s wrong with her. She’s not supposed to cry this much.”
You’re right. I’ll take her back for a refund and get a non-faulty, non-crying one. (Truth is, sometimes I’d rather listen to baby cry than deal with people’s stupid questions.)
“Oh my god. Your baby is HUGE!”
Yes. My baby is the spawn of the Hulk. (Maybe add a little laugh to lighten the situation!)
“She doesn’t look like a [insert-your-baby’s-name].”
Well, she’s a baby. So she has a bit of time to ‘grow’ into her name.
“You look tired.”
Thanks, Captain Obvious. Probably best to say nothing here, in case it turns into a complete meltdown – snot, tears…the lot.
“Do you really need all that baby stuff?”
Do I really need you, Carol? (Although she does have a point!)
“Should you be drinking that coffee?”
Yes, I know. It contains caffeine. Bad mum alert. But a caffeinated bad mum is better than a non-functioning mum. So coffee it is.
“I thought you said you weren’t going to use the dummy/bottle/sleep aid.”
I said a lot of stupid sh*t before I had the baby. But thanks for bringing it up and making me feel like a knob.
“Isn’t he supposed to be crawling/laughing/walking/[insert any other milestone here].”
Maybe. But he didn’t read the chapter on baby milestones, so he’s probably not aware of these high expectations. I’ll be sure to pass on the memo to him.
“You need a break.”
Probably. But unless you’re offering to come round (preferably at 4 am) and give me that break, don’t mention it. It’s just not helpful.
“When are you having the next one?”
No comment. Maybe ask me again when my vagina isn’t being held together by stitches.
So, well-meaning peeps, now we know what NOT to say to the new parents in your life or the tired-looking mum you encounter in the line-up at Kmart. Here are a few ways you CAN help a new mum out. *Hint. Bring food.
And, new parents, check out our very best in practical new parents advice and tips for new mums.