At least you know you can get pregnant. You’ll get another chance. These things happen for a reason.
These are the things that people tell you after a miscarriage.
These words are meant to be comforting. Encouraging. Hopeful. But here’s the thing – after a miscarriage, sometimes you don’t want to be encouraged. Or hopeful. Sometimes you don’t want to be told anything at all.
You just want to grieve. So, to the mums who have experienced a miscarriage and are grieving the loss of a baby, allow us to share a few things no one seems to mention about miscarriage. We hope these help.
14 things no one tells you about miscarriage
1. It takes a long time. Not the miscarriage itself but the emptiness that accompanies it.
2. The walk through the car park afterward is one of the most painful walks you’ll ever go through. Yes, you may be in pain physically but it’s the realisation that you are leaving the hospital without a baby that hurts the most. This isn’t how it’s meant to be.
3. The little things. A commercial about nappies. A child’s menu at a restaurant. Little things like this can trigger a wave of emptiness that may take your breath away. And all you can do is look away and pretend you’ve got something in your eye because WHO cries at a nice restaurant over a kid’s menu??
4. People really don’t know what to say. Even people who love you. So they look at you with sad eyes which you may think is pity but it’s not. It’s simply their way of letting you know they hurt too. For you. It’s hard for everyone, I guess.
5. It’s nearly impossible to stop thinking about the due date that never will be. You will probably still reference each week as “should have been 18 weeks”, “should have been halfway”. Instead, it’s just another day.
6. You’re lonely. Even if you’re surrounded by people and loved ones and all the cookies in the world, you still feel, well, empty.
7. If you’ve had a late miscarriage, you not only get to carry the emotional weight, but also some of the physical weight of pregnancy too. Which means you get to step back into your maternity pants that you’ve probably only just purchased and be reminded that you’re not pregnant, just fat.
8. That first period feels like a slap in the face. And your collection of pads and tampons almost appear to be mocking you. You also start to hate your uterus.
9. Your partner hurts too. But he most likely doesn’t want to show it too much. Why? Because he doesn’t want to hurt you, or make you feel guilty or worse, like this is somehow your fault. Which it isn’t. But, which you can’t help but think somehow it is.
10. Having a good time is hard. Even if you find yourself laughing again, there’s a tinge of sadness. In everything. And this can linger for a really long time.
11. Shopping is also hard. You will most likely avoid the baby aisle for a fair amount of time.
12. Actually, everything is hard. And you’re meant to just go about your day and your business like everything is cool. When deep down, you want to scream and cry and throw things at the wall because it’s just not fair. You’re meant to be pregnant right now.
13. And, the thought of trying again? Terrifying. Because, as much as you want a baby, you never want to go through this again.
14. Help is available. You probably know that. You got the brochures at the hospital. But here’s the thing – no one tells you how you’re going to feel after a miscarriage. Or how it may change your perspective, alter your mindset and leave you feeling anxious, alone and afraid. Miscarriage is seen as a minor bump in the road to motherhood – something most mums will experience on their journey. But it’s not just this.
You don’t have to reach out. But, it can help. There’s your doctors, your partner, your friends, your parents. And if you don’t want to reach out to them, there are books, Facebook support groups and websites like SANDS and Pink Elephants.
Every woman who has had a miscarriage has a different thought process and a different experience. But it’s important to know that there is more to a miscarriage than “you can try again”. No matter how far your pregnancy progressed, it made you a mother – and that’s the most valuable title in the world.
