Bad Behaviour: 5 Times When it's Totally OK to Think Your Kid is a Turd

Parenting is hard. We don’t need to tell you that.

Know what’s even harder?

People (let’s refer to them as the ‘perfect mummy posse’) who give you the guilts for feeling totally over parenthood. We’re talking those days when you’d rather stick a wasabi coated toothpick in your eye than battle your toddler over another rejected dinner.

There ain’t no unicorns in Turdtown

Sometimes it can feel like you’re the only one who is secretly thinking that your kid is, well, a bit of a turd. You might not voice it out loud, but in Mother’s Groups and Whatsapp threads around the country, many a mama is on the ‘my kid is a turd’ train, even if they’re not saying it. They might use words like ‘spirited’ or refer to their child as ‘really pushing my buttons’. What they really mean? Their kid is being a turd.

As a mother of three, I’ve been around the block. I’ve reached the epic highs and lived through the crushing lows. I’ve once had vomit in my mouth that wasn’t my own.

And I’ve reached a point where I can accept that sometimes, kids are horrible, without feeling any guilt for thinking it. Because honestly? Lying about #mumlife being all rainbows and unicorns doesn’t do anybody any favours.

Bad behaviour: 5 Times When it’s TOTALLY OK to Think Your Kid is a Turd

Think of this as your get-out-of jail free card for thinking (and maybe even voicing, quietly, under your breath) that your kid is being a turd. If they’re doing any of these bad behaviour things, they’ve entered turd territory and you are well within your rights to hide in the pantry with a packet of Freddo frogs.

1. They create a giant shit storm and then blame someone else

My 6.5 year old is excellent at this. He very much enjoys playing the blame game, no more so that when he’s done something wrong and is being held accountable for it. Case in point; last week when he drove his four-year-old sister to insanity mimicking every word she said. She, naturally, reacted calmly and maturely by walloping him. He whacked her back and the baby got caught in the crossfire. Of course, NONE of this bad behaviour was his fault and the punishment (no Harry Potter audiobook before bed) was unjust and unfair. I was a TERRIBLE mother for allowing him to annoy his sister and then conceiving a punishment to fit the crime. I didn’t call him a turd (to his face) but I wanted to.

2. They refuse to have their nappy changed

This is totally normal toddler behaviour. I’m sure it’s a developmental thing and it does get better with time BUT when your kid has a nappy full of last nights Mexican and is REFUSING point blank to lie still to have their faeces scraped from their skin, it’s hard to laugh it off. Harder still to not think of them in the same light as the surprise they’ve left in their nappy.

3. They refuse to accept irrefutable facts, like the law of nature

Or, how $2.50 isn’t enough money to buy an American Girl doll. I have weekly arguments with my four-year-old over things that really don’t need to be argued about because they are FACTS. Like how guinea pigs can’t swim so putting them in a bucket of water isn’t going to end well. Or how underwear isn’t an optional thing when leaving the house. No matter what I say, or how many times I say it, I just KNOW she secretly thinks she’s right and I’m wrong and will continue pushing the point till frankly, I want to have a little cry, Yeah, that gets an entry in the turd hall of fame.

4. They refuse to sleep, despite being so tired that they can’t stand up

I once saw my four-year-old, when she was younger, fall asleep STANDING UP. I am not exaggerating. Sleep and sleep related turd-like behaviour could fill a book. But sleep refusal, especially when the child in question is exhausted to the point of being mute/unable to walk/asleep standing up? That’s a killer. And is top of the turd pile for me.

5. They’re still the best little humans you can imagine

And that’s despite their frequent shitty behaviour, making this the most infuriating fact of all. Despite the back chat, the tantrums, the meltdowns and arguments, failed nappy changes and bedtime nightmares that feel like they’ll never end, my kids are the best people I know. I worship the ground they walk on and adore them, even when they’re driving me to the point of insanity. And they say the sweetest things when they know they’re skating on the thinnest of ice. Which makes them turds, but loveable ones. And, despite the bad behaviour, I wouldn’t swap them for all the Sav Blanc in the Hunter Valley.